Why Won't You Heal Me God?

wanting a miracle and getting a slow burn instead: maybe you've been chosen

I’ve asked “why me” more times than I’d like to admit. You know..those days reserved for a special kind of (and probably justified) self-pity. WHY ME GOD?!?!? When I’m feeling particularly lovely, I wonder why it feels like I’m a tiny bug and all my legs are being ripped off…one at a time…veryyyy slowly 🙂

It can be so damn hard to find any sort of solace or reason or comfort as to why what’s going on is going on sometimes. Why am I going through this heartbreak or anxiety or financial upset?????? Why am I *STILL* struggling to death with OCD?!?!

Why can’t I find relief?

Why can’t my brain just work the way everyone else’s does?

As I’ve come to be more in the church I’ve had a strange phenomenon of comfort muddied with frustration. Trusting God’s Plan has been my ultimate struggle and hearing everyone else do it..well, it sucks. And it sucks to see and hear stories of people finding relief and making it through the eye of the storm and making their way meanwhile i’m *still* floundering in the middle of a strange body of water…hello?!?! can anybody hear me??????

There’s a scene from the show The Chosen that we have to talk about. (ps if you’re not into religion/God I still think you could get something out of watching it..it’s incredible) Anyways..so the disciples have been told by Jesus that it’s now time for them to go and work miracles & healings on people. Little James is one of the disciples who also has a limp that impairs his walking. He approaches Jesus one day before his trip and asks, “Why haven’t you healed me?” To which Jesus replies “Because I trust you.” He goes on to explain that while yes, if I were to heal your limp that would be a good story (albeit one many could tell at that time)..but if I don’t heal your limp, and you continue to believe and heal others..now THAT would be a story for the ages.

…idk about you but if I’m Little James in that situation I’m like WELL I’LL TAKE AN AVERAGE STORY!!!! I DON’T NEED TO GO ABOVE AND BEYOND!!!!

but that’s not how it works. My take on this is that James not getting healed will do more for the world than him being healed…and that’s a lot to digest. theres also a lot more to it but for the sake one post I’m simplifying 🙈

I was complaining to B this weekend about my OCD and how I wish God would just heal me of it already and he said, you’re doing it wrong. You’re praying for the wrong things. Don’t pray to be healed. Pray for the wisdom to understand what you’re going through and why you’re going through what you’re going through. Ask for the wisdom to see.

But I don’t want to see most of the time. I want a quick fix and I want it yesterday and I want it wrapped in a giant pink bow. I don’t want to hear the message that my story and ME living it will do more good than my struggles evaporating tomorrow. I want an easy life but I don’t think that’s what God is asking of me.

I think (if I really want to listen) I know myself as someone who feels euphoria when looking at the diamonds scattered in fresh snow but also someone who brushes against the abyss of loneliness and shame and terror and that it’s probably not going away. That I’m probably meant to carry that with me and write about it and talk about it and light the way for others (and maybe even eventually stop complaining about it 😅).

My yoke is easy and My burden light. Matthew 11:30

I don’t like my OCD but I also don’t like fighting against reality or pretending to know what God’s Plan is or the full picture. I want to be someone who prays for the wisdom to see instead of a quick fix. Maybe there is more in store for me than a story of miracles. Maybe it’s a story of getting worn down to the bone and continuing to get up and write about it and bow my head and maybe that’s a damn good story.

I know yours is too.

xoxo

Chelsea

ps here’s the clip if you want to watch it (prepare to leak out of your eyes)

The Chosen Scene